December 22

4 STEPS TO TAKE IF YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS

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1.   Be a sport and invite your friends over for a nice smoke.
No need to be a sore loser, right?  There’s just no sense in letting a little make-believe game hurt your pride and sour your friendships. Be the bigger man and call the guys over, put up with their jokes and spark up a stogie. Just tell them to bring their own Punches, ya filthy animals.

2.     Follow a new sport.
It’s been said, you can’t wallow over your recent loss if you’re already at the next race. Hell, it was football that got you here in the first place. Distract yourself with the next athletic experience. There’s always hockey to give you that fix of hard-hitting, team-based sports you’ll be missing so much. They even allow fights! Plus, there’s always the more radical extreme sports like snowboarding, snowmobiling, or my personal favorite ice fishing. All fine choices. Just don’t be the guy who gets all jazzed up over curling.

3.     Live off the grid.
It’s winter, why not relocate into a rustic, cozy, little cabin in the midst of a snow-caked evergreen landscape—disconnected from cable, wifi and all cellular service. Use your machismo and willpower to grow a full, hearty beard. Survive off the skin of your teeth and the fruit of the land. I mean, that’s how most action movies start, not to mention my story.  

4.     Panic because of all the torment you’ll face until next season.
As much as fantasy football is about the winner gloating in victory, it’s equally about a group of friends coming together to punish the weakest link. What’s the point in playing in the first place if there are no stakes? It doesn’t matter where you are, your league will find you. Chances are that you’re going to be hunted down faster than a Rare Corojo on Stogie Night. Speaking of, it might be a good time to start investing in one of those doomsday-prepper underground bunkers.

Just be sure to stock up on plenty of Punch Cigars.

Have any other tips? Let us know in the comments below.

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