Dear brothers and sisters, the season of fireworks and outdoor barbecues is slowly coming to an end. Lucky for you I’ve had many memorable summers throughout history, so I’ve decided to give you some advice on how to make the most of what’s left of the season.
Escape to the Wilderness
In 1995, my loyal dragon Gary and I packed our camping gear and a few boxes of cigars, and headed to Puerto Rico’s rainforest. After spending a few days hiking through the jungle, we realized that man and dragon could not survive on cigars alone, so I devised a plan to loot a nearby town for some dinner. Because of Gary’s menacing appearance, I had him create a diversion by pretending to terrorize the locals and their livestock. As the distracted townspeople ran from Gary yelling that there was “Chupacabra” on the loose, I quietly stole all the empanadas and beer from every restaurant in town. By the end of the day, Gary went down in history as the infamous monster, and I had enough food to extend my vacation for a few months.
Have a Barbecue
One summer evening, I set up camp along the Mississippi River with my friends Lewis and Clark. After hunting some wild turkeys, I crafted a makeshift grill and started to cook dinner. As the smell of my signature giant turkey legs traveled across the water, we heard a noise coming from the woods. A local tribe had seen our camp and had planned to ambush us, but they had become distracted by the delicious smells coming from my grill. Their interpreter, Sacagawea, said that she had never seen a cooking contraption like mine before. Hoping to make peace, and never able to turn a woman away, I invited her and the rest of the tribe to feast with us. By the time we had finished eating, Sacagewea was so smitten with me and my grilling, that in exchange for more turkey, she offered to come with us on our expedition down the river.
Go for a Swim
In the summer of 1875, I was fishing off the cliffs of Dover, England when I met Matthew Webb who bragged that he was going to be the first to swim across the English Channel. Always up for a challenge, I bet Matt that I could beat him there. Figuring he could outswim a small wooden bobblehead, he agreed to race. An hour into the swim, I was desperate to drink something other than saltwater, so I climbed onto a passing ship, drank a few beers and traded a couple boxes of Punch cigars with the crew for a quick ride to the other side of the Channel. When I was close to the shore, I jumped into the water and floated the rest of the way there. After a 22 hour journey across the Channel, I finally declared myself the winner.
Take my advice: don’t let your summer get away. Now that you know some of my fondest summer misadventures, it’s time to light up a Punch and go make your own.